Journal 1- Jenn
Imperfection, Acceptance, And My Love for Cult Films
Embracing Imperfections:
My Journey Toward Self-Acceptance
I am a huge perfectionist. I want everything I do to be excellent and flawless. This applies not only to school assignments and projects but to my daily life as well. When learning a hobby, like playing sports, I feel the need to be at least competent. The moment I realize I'm not performing well, I immediately quit and feel embarrassed to continue in front of others.
However, I acknowledge how unhealthy this mindset could be. Often times I would get angry at myself for not doing good enough, for not being intelligent, not being conventionally attractive, or not having a good personality. Being an overthinker only amplifies this. I’m fully aware that I’m not the best at everything, and that realization sometimes leaves me feeling powerless. It often leads to me not finishing tasks, simply because the results aren’t perfect.
After graduating high school, I observed an unhealthy pattern of self-criticism for not being perfect. While chatting with one of my friends about this, she asked: “Do you really think there is a perfect person out there?”
“I know there isn’t, but…” I began listing the qualities I wish I had: always being happy, having great relationships, effortlessly getting good grades. “Those people seem perfect to me! I can't help but envy those people.”
My friend replied: “I mean, sure, but those who possess these qualities are not perfect as well. Those who are always happy might lack the ability to reflect or grieve, having a lot of friends comes with various problems, and you already know many smart douchebags that never seem to learn that they suck.”
I was not fully convinced then, yet it planted a seed of acceptance in me. Now, whenever I make a mistake, I try to remind myself that everyone does. At first, it felt like I was making excuses, and there was still a strong sense of guilt within me. But after repeating this to myself (and continuing to make mistakes), I begin to accept my flaws and imperfections as a person. I know for a fact that I might not perform well academically, that I get annoyed easily, and that I can be lazy at times. But wasn’t that part of being human? I can always improve, grow, and become a better version of myself. Yet, understanding and accepting my flaws is just as important.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m still a perfectionist, and I still get angry at myself. But maybe that’s one of my flaws, too, and I’m learning to live and cope with it in a healthier way.
Cult Cinema: My Fascination with the Unconventional and the Iconic
Over the years, I’ve become fairly obsessed with cult films. Cult films are movies outside of mainstream cinema, and they typically gain their following due to their unique, unconventional, or controversial content. There’s something about the way they break all the typical rules, tell strange stories, and stay with you long after you’ve watched them. These films, with their odd charm and unique energy, leave an notable mark on popular culture. In this journal, I’ll introduce some of my favorite cult films—Pulp Fiction (1994), Pearl (2022), and Saltburn (2023)—and explain why they fascinate me.
The movie that first got me into cult films was Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction (1994). The plot jumps between different storylines, like hitmen Vincent and Jules retrieving a mysterious briefcase, boxer Butch fleeing from mobsters, and Vincent’s wild night with his boss’s wife, Mia. This film introduced me to non-linear storytelling, as these seemingly unrelated stories all come together in a way that still makes perfect sense. With its iconic dialogue, quirky characters, and violent yet strangely humorous scenes, Pulp Fiction pulled me into the world of cult films.
Then there’s Pearl (2022), a more modern take on the genre. As a prequel to X, it dives into the backstory of Pearl, a lonely farm girl with dreams of becoming a Hollywood star. What makes the movie so intense is watching how Pearl's desperation to escape her isolated life spirals into something much darker. She eventually kills her family and friends, one by one, with nothing left to lose—yet still fails to achieve her dream. The story ends with her husband returning from war, leaving a confusing and heartbreaking conclusion. Despite her descent into madness, I can’t help but feel a sense of sympathy for her. What makes Pearl stand out to me is its embrace of horror through the lens of emotional, often grotesque character development, paired with brutal yet almost cartoonish visuals.
Lastly, another recent film that has captured my attention is Saltburn (2023). The film follows a young man, Oliver, who is invited to stay at his wealthy friend Felix’s massive estate for the summer. As Oliver spends more time with Felix’s family, he becomes increasingly obsessed with their privileged lifestyle. The film's dark, satirical take on wealth and privilege, combined with its gothic ambiance, creates an atmosphere that is both unsettling and captivating. One of the most memorable scenes for me is when Oliver secretly drinks Felix's bathwater—a shocking moment that also serves as a metaphor for his deep desire to become Felix and possess everything he has. I love how Saltburn explores themes of power and desire with intense visuals and unexpected plot twists, and its unique aesthetic left a lasting impression on me as a viewer.
Cult films often push the boundaries of societal norms, yet they manage to reflect reality in ways that leave a lasting impact. For me, what ties films like Saltburn, Pulp Fiction, and Pearl together is their fearless rejection of the mainstream, and their willingness to confront and demonstrate uncomfortable subjects. Cult films are unapologetically different, and in a world where so much feels predictable, that’s what makes them so refreshing.
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